A New Tone: Reflection on a Christian Journey

Those of you who follow this site, few that you are, will have already noticed that I’ve removed all of the teaching articles.  There are two reasons for this: I’ve moved them to another site (they can be found at http://hubpages.com/profile/W.+Joe+B.), and I’m turning the  Christian Extremist into more of a journal.  Again, those that know me are aware of the recent turn of events, but for those who have not, or only have bits and pieces, I will begin by filling in the gaps.

In the last entry, Not Enough Time, I explained events of the last two years concerning my state of well-being.  Not a pretty sight at all.  Since that time, further events have taken place that make my position in that article even more poignant.  Tests that were scheduled from that fateful day in December are beginning to be completed, and the results are less than favorable.

Also since that day, I have been in the Emergency Room three times and admitted to the hospital twice.  One fine day in January, I began to cough up blood.  Not a good sign, by any means.  On arriving at the ER, I was hastily admitted for observation and an Endoscopy.  The test revealed a nodule deep in my throat that was emitting the blood, but it had finally clotted over.  I was released and have a follow-up with the Eye, Ear, Nose, & Throat (EENT) people to get the nodule out and biopsy it.

In the meantime, a CAT Scan was completed.  The results were so, ah, interesting that the head of the Infectious Disease program called me personally on my cell.  There are two rather large pre-cancerous masses on my liver and left kidney.  The kidney will have to go, as a biopsy on that type of mass will explode it, and if it is cancerous, the poison will quickly spread through my whole body in the lymph system. As far as the liver mass, even Scott & White Medical Center (the DeBakey Center of cancer) is afraid to biopsy the rascal without a full MRI, due to the position of the mass.  The waiting list is long for appointments, so by the time the biopsy is done, it will be a full month after the CAT scan.  Oh, and the ID head said I didn’t have any time to waste.  Go figure.

It’s time to face facts.  If there is ANY suspicion of cancer, then the transplant list is as far away from me as Saturn.  Then, there is the fact that over the last 4-5 months, I have steadily lost energy to the point that an hour after I get up, I’m wasted.  The pain is getting worse, so I’ll have to begin increasing the Neurontin from 2000mg a day back up to the maximum dosage of 3200mg.  I’ve already been put on Oxycodone (synthetic morphine) for the more intense bouts of pain.

Now, for those of you in my family that despise negative confession, just sit on your hands and keep them away from the keyboard to chastise me, because what I’m about to say is not negative confession…it’s a feeling deep in my Spirit man.  Obviously, I”ve been coasting downhill for a couple of years, and now the reasons have been identified.  But it’s time to realize that the incline has become much steeper, and the descent seems to be picking up speed.  It must be faced…I may be getting ready to turn the page.

I’m not afraid to die; I’m just not in a big hurry, but that is not going to be left or me to decide. I eagerly listen for “Well done, My good and faithful servant.”  I’ve not been perfect…God knows I’ve not been perfect, but my heart and spirit have been to follow Him, even though the flesh took the wrong road many times.  To those I’ve hurt, I’m sorry.  It is in my nature to be rather to the point and abrupt, and that causes hurt many times.  Other times, I’ve just plain let my mouth overload.  For that, I’m truly sorry.

I am deeply in love with my Savior, and pray that I’ve done well enough to be with Him.  If not, then I have no reason to complain, because I’ll have caused my own undoing by not living up to the standard He expected of me.  I know His word and I know His will.  He left it for me in 66 books that I’ve desperately searched to understand and have shared with you in my journey.  From this point, The Christian Extremist will become my place to update you and reflect on the ups and downs of my journey through life, however long it may be.

Oh, and it’s His forgiveness I seek most of all.  And it’s not really based on the urgency. It’s based on a heart-felt desire…..

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